“I wanted to jump off a balcony as I was battling with clinical disorder and suicidal thoughts;” Robin Utthapa

Robin Uthappa, a key member of the 2007 World T20 winning Indian team, has revealed that he battled depressive disorder and suicidal thoughts for nearly two years during his career, a phase when cricket was perhaps the sole thing that kept him from “jumping off a balcony”.

The big-hitting top-order batsman, who represented India in 46 ODIs and 13 T20 Internationals, was picked by Rajasthan Royals for Rs 3 crore for this year’s IPL, which is currently suspended due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

“I remember around 2009 to 2011, it had been constant and that i would affect that on a day to day . there have been times where I wasn’t even brooding about cricket, it had been probably the farthest thing in my mind,” he said during the Royal Rajasthan Foundation’s live session ‘Mind, Body and Soul’.

“I was brooding about how i might survive today and advance to subsequent , what’s happening to my life and during which direction am I heading. Cricket kept my mind off of those thoughts but it became really difficult on non-match days and through the off-season.

“On days, i might just be sitting there and would think to myself on the count of three, I’m getting to run and get down of the balcony but something quite just held me back,” he recalled.

It was at this stage that the 34-year-old began maintaining a diary before reaching out for professional help.

“…(I) started the method of just understanding myself as an individual . I then began to seek outside help to form those changes I wanted to form in my life,” he said.

This phase was followed by him not making the Indian team despite captaining India A in Australia and therefore the Karnataka batsman said it had been because he “was innately not proud of something.”

“…for some reason there, regardless of what I did or how hard I worked within the nets, i used to be just unable to attain a escape my bat. i might spend hours within the nets to urge it right but that might just not happen,” he said.

“Some a part of me was actually not willing to simply accept that I had a drag with myself…I think sometimes we do not accept the incorrect and are unwilling to try to to so and it’s really important to possess the acknowledgement.

“The unwillingness to simply accept is that the nobody issue and particularly for men, who find it difficult to simply accept their mental issues,” he added.

Uthappa subsequently had an excellent Ranji run in 2014-15 season, finishing because the national event’s top run-getter.

He hasn’t retired yet but neither has he played for India since 2015. Uthappa said he has no regrets about how he addressed the lows of his life.

“I feel sometimes being negative is important . Being negative or having negative experiences, browsing trials and tribulations is usually necessary for one’s own growth,” he asserted.